Holiday Season Party-Eating Etiquette, Rules & Tips

From the King of Eating...

When attending a Thanksgiving/Christmas/Holiday Party, here are some tips and Special Rules to make your time more enjoyable and guarantee a return invitation next year...

1. [Prime Directive of Holiday Eating!] Avoid carrot sticks and celery!
Anyone who puts these rabbit-food substances on a holiday buffet table is clueless of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving gravy balls and pork ribs.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly!
Like fine 150 year-old single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than! You can't find it any other time of year except now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip and contains 55 undeveloped chicken embryoes? Hell, it's vapors are fattening! It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! Tax Season is right around the corner!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. If there are no mashed taters, smother your cheesecake in it!

4. Speaking of mashed potatoes?
Always ask if they're made with skim milk, whole milk or heavy artery-clogging cream. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission or going to a Martini Bar and asking for a glass of water... Just sick! If it's whole milk, it's socially acceptable and you really don't want to seem like an ungrateful guest, do you? However, if made with heavy cream, just eat it out of the bowl and offer to be adopted! These people are the real thing! Move in right away! Before they know what hit them!

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that gallon-vat of eggnog.

7. Mark your territory!
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like venison ribs, frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa or any form of home-made chocolate chip anything, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like beautiful XXXL Eeyore or Grumpy sweatshirts at the Disney store. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
By the way, for you PC idiots, yes, Reindeer IS VENISON! 'Tis the season, ya know! Just like SPAM is made from people! It's made from PEOPLE, for Christ's sake!

8. Same for pies.
Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? President's Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?
Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, c'mom, have some standards, Man!

10. One final tip:
If you don't feel terrible and experiencing pre-puke feelings when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, cigar in mouth, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO! What a ride!"

-Daryl's Evil Twin, Daryl
circa 2000AD with apologies to Hunter Thompson...